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The following excerpts are actual answers given on
history tests and in Sunday school quizzes by children
in 5th and 6th grade in Ohio. They were collected over
a period of three years by two teachers. Read carefully
for grammar, misplaced modifiers, and of course,
spelling!
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Ancient Egypt was old. It was inhabited by gypsies
and mummies who all wrote in hydraulics. They lived in
the Sarah Dessert. The climate of the Sarah is such that
all the inhabitants have to live elsewhere.
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Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea where
they made unleavened bread, which is bread made
without any ingredients. Moses went up on Mount
Cyanide to get the ten commandos. He died before he
ever reached Canada but the commandos made it.
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Solomon had three hundred wives and seven hundred
porcupines. He was a actual hysterical figure as well as
being in the bible. It sounds like he was sort of busy too.
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The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and
without them we wouldn't have history. The Greeks
also had myths. A myth is a young female moth.
--------------------------------
Socrates was a famous old Greek teacher who went
around giving people advice. They killed him. He later
died from an overdose of wedlock which is apparently
poisonous. After his death, his career suffered a
dramatic decline.
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In the first Olympic games, Greeks ran races, jumped,
hurled biscuits, and threw the java. The games were
messier then than they show on tv now.
--------------------------------
Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields
of Gaul. The Ides of March murdered him because they
thought he was going to be made king. Dying, he gasped
out: "Same to you, Brutus."
--------------------------------
Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was canonized
by Bernard Shaw for reasons I don't really understand.
The English and French still have problems.
---------------------------------
Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen," As a queen
she was a success. When she exposed herself before
her troops they all shouted "hurrah!" and that
was the end of the fighting for a long while.
---------------------------------
It was an age of great inventions and discoveries.
Gutenberg invented removable type and the Bible.
Another important invention was the circulation of blood.
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Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he
invented cigarettes and started smoking.
----------------------------
Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100
foot clipper which was very dangerous to all his men.
----------------------------
The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William
Shakespeare. He was born in the year 1564, supposedly
on his birthday. He never made much money and is famous
only because of his plays. He wrote tragedies, comedies,
and hysterectomies, all in Islamic pentameter.
----------------------------
Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel
Cervantes. He wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author
was John Milton. Milton wrote Paradise Lost. Since then
no one ever found it.
------------------------->
Delegates from the original 13 states formed the
Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and
Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the Declaration of
Independence. Franklin discovered electricity by rubbing
two cats backward and also declared, "A horse divided
against itself cannot stand." He was a naturalist for sure.
Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.
--------------------------
Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent.
Lincoln's mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log
cabin which he built with his own hands. Abraham Lincoln
freed the slaves by signing the Emasculation Proclamation.
------------------------
On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater and
got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture
show. They believe the assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a
supposingly insane actor. This ruined Booth's career.
-----------------------
Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions
and had a large number of children. In between he practiced
on an old spinster which he kept up in his attic. Bach died
from 1750 to the present. Bach was the most famous
composer in the world and so was Handel. Handel was
half German, half Italian, and half English. He was very large.
---------------------
Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He
was so deaf that he wrote loud music and became the father
of rock and roll. He took long walks in the forest even when
everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and
later died for this.
----------------------
The nineteenth century was a time of a great many
thoughts and inventions. People stopped reproducing by
hand and started reproducing by machine. The invention of
the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up.
---------------------
Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbits but I
don't know why.
--------------------
Charles Darwin was a naturalist. He wrote the Organ
of the Species. It was very long people got upset about it
and had trials to see if it was really true. He sort of said
God's days were not just 24 hours but without watches
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Madman Curie discovered radio. She was the first
woman to do what she did. Other women have become
scientists since her but they didn't get to find radios
because they were already taken.
-----------------------
Karl Marx was one of the Marx Brothers. The other
three were in the movies. Karl made speeches and
started revolutions. Someone in the family had to
have a job, I guess.


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